Ever since we found out the baby is a boy, chose a name and met the baby’s parents- my heart has been filling right up. Each day this past week has been better than the last, and it’s been months since I’ve been able to say that. I’m not sure I’ve ever lied so much about how I’m doing so it’s been really nice to at least feel like an honest person.
There was no nodding-and-smiling, for lack of knowing how to actually respond to people comparing this waiting to “every pregnancy” because I never had to explain myself. Friday was so awesome my face could have exploded y’all. And just when I thought it couldn’t get any better, I had a letter from the baby’s mom and an ultrasound picture waiting in my mail box.
Our. very. first. picture.
After I stared at his little face for what felt like an hour. I sent it to the hub’s phone.
Then, to my parents…Then, to two of my best friends…Then, to Chris’ parents.
Then, it went on our fridge.
Several hours later…I realized how very very wrong I was. It hit me like a ton of bricks.
This sweet boy, isn’t ours yet. And we’ve been acting like he is.
We’ve shared more details with a handful of our close friends than we intended, because we needed people to talk to. And I can’t undo that. But, I’m not sure I want to. But, I feel like I should want to. Selfishly, there have been days when I needed to see a friend look back at me and really see how scary this is and not just take my word for it. Selfishly. And then, I want to celebrate with those friends when we have good news because holy-geeze we’ve been so down-in-the-dumps or freaked-out waiting on one tiny piece of information that it’s necessary to put them out of their misery too.
So is it better to say nothing? To deal with this alone because it’s someone else’s private life involved? Probably.
Because their privacy trumps my needs.
And so I’m sick to my stomach. Because I don’t know what the right thing is. All I can do is be honest, handle my emotions a little better and start over tomorrow.
So, I will continue preparing for him, calling him by the name we’ve chosen and writing him letters. But, I’ve repositioned my heart this weekend and acknowledged that he isn’t our son yet. We hope he will be. But at this moment, he belongs to someone else.